Many people walk around on this planet looking for the "one" person that will make them complete. Relationship after relationship will end the same way. In the beginning things seem to be great, you become attached to the other person and feel as though they have all the answers to the void in your heart.
You feel as though you have finally found the person that can love you for who you are. You love the persons qualities and ignore the little things that may get on your nerves. You go into this relationship thinking that this person will prove their love to you by changing those things that are not in-line with the connection you both have.
After a while you notice that those little things that you thought would change haven't gone away. All the things that got on your nerves have increased and have brought more hidden qualities out that you simply cannot stand about the person. You find yourself aggravated and confused and wonder about what you saw in them in the first place.
That's when we go into the game of reflection; we remember all the little things that got on our nerves in the beginning. We blame ourselves for being so stupid that we did not "see it." We feel as though we have been tricked into the relationship by the other person. This is when true resentment sets in, you think to yourself "If I knew what I know now I would have never gotten myself into this mess."
At this point you feel stuck or trapped in your current situation. Arguments seem to explode out of nowhere or worse no communication at all. If you are married and have children this feeling becomes almost unbearable. You will justify in your mind why you should stay and lead a live of self sacrifice in order to make your children happy. This is the normal state of relationships in our world, this is why people will build a wall around them to keep other people from getting too close.
In certain situations the person will feel as though they are so stuck that they will attach their happiness to another. They will feel that this person outside of the misery obligation called marriage truly knows them. They will also justify in their minds why they should be with this person. They will form elaborate images in their head of a time when they will be happy.
In some cases they will leave the marriage and get into their new relationship only to be faced with disappointment again. This process will continue throughout their life and they will eventually feel as though they are simply not meant to be happy. They will feel as though they are not good enough to fill the role of a person who is a happy wife or husband.
This is normal for relationships in this day and age. Many people will look for happiness in their partner only to find disappointment and resentment. This is because happiness is not found outside of yourself although it is the last place anyone will look.
Some will lie to themselves and others in order to justify keeping themselves in a state of misery. They will lead double lives in which behind closed doors they will cry themselves to sleep but proclaim to the world that they are indeed happy. They will tie their happiness to a self sacrificing routine in which they are doing all the things they are supposed to do even if they really do not want to. This is hell.
Somewhere we got the message of love all mixed up and jumbled with rules and regulations. We are told that if you are a man you are supposed to act one way. If you are a woman you act another. We are told that love is work, love means doing things you do not want to do, and that love is submitting and playing your role to the best of your abilities. We are also told that we are not perfect and what is worse is we believe all of these lies.
We learn by watching those around us and by listening to these rules about love. You watch your parents who have been married for thirty years and think they must have the answer. You notice how they do not spend time together and how they get upset with each other. You notice how your mother cries herself to sleep and your father justifies his actions by proclaiming "I am the man of the house" or "This is for your own good." This becomes your truth about love.
You notice how your mother's opinion is spoken but seen as nonsense because it just does not fit with your father's vision. You notice your father doing everything he is supposed to do even though he hates doing it and he tells you this is love. You notice your mother frantically cleaning the house and cooking dinner before your father gets home and she tells you this is love.
You think to yourself, love is doing things you do not want to do. When you are constantly sacrificing your happiness then you are showing your love. This becomes the standard for your relationship in the future and it conflicts with what you really want but it becomes your truth.
As you are growing older you are told what kind of person would be good for you. You start to develop an image of what you want based on what society and your culture believes is the "right" person. You also have an image of what you are supposed to be but know that deep down inside you have a hard time meeting them because you are simply not perfect.
Then you meet someone. This person seems to be all the things you have always been looking for. Someone who can finally fill the void in your heart, someone who can finally make you happy. They are perfect for you and so you quickly jump into the role that you believe is perfection on your part. If you are a woman maybe you will clean their room or apartment. If you are a man you will buy them expensive gifts. You will play the role in order to earn their love and prove yourself worthy.
You will become what you believe they need based on what you have learned throughout your life. But this is only a façade and eventually begins to crumble and turns to frustration and resentment. You find that you cannot keep up with everything you have promised, as a man you want they best for her, you want to be able to give her everything she wants, you believe this is love. As a woman you want to fill the role of a good wife and give your husband all the support a good wife is to give, you fill your role, you believe this is love.
When you do not meet these expectations resentment sets in. You may feel it is resentment for the other person but in actuality it is resentment for yourself because you simply cannot find a way to make this other person happy. A few month after marriage and you are both arguing over nothing. This is simply due to the frustration you feel for yourself in not meeting expectations. You are unhappy because of this, yet you focus on the other person and why they are not able to make you happy. The other person begins to feel like a failure because no matter what they do they cannot make you happy and the arguments just confirm how terrible they are making things.
Children come along and things seem to be ok for a while until the focus returns to the underlying feelings that were simply ignored for the time being. Now they get worse because not only do you feel you are a bad spouse but a bad parent as well. This is where a distance starts to form, because it feels as though no conflict between one another is a good thing. So you find two people who are bound together for life and yet feel so alone.
This is the normal standard for relationships in this day and age. This is love, but it is all twisted out of context. This is in no way shape or form what love really is, love is not work, love is not obligation, and love is not self sacrificing.
Love is simply love. It needs to start from within and you will find what it is you have been missing all along, this will change everything in your life and allow you to find the happiness you have always been seeking. This will change your relationship with your spouse and your children.
Start by no longer abusing yourself. I have found that even people in an abusive relationship are still being abused slightly less than they abuse themselves. No longer allow yourself to speak to yourself in a negative way. Begin to think positive about yourself and realize that you are perfect just the way you are. This will change the way you feel you are being treated.
Second step is to not take anything personal. You must realize that when your spouse and you are in an argument the words and actions have nothing to do with you. These are deep seeded insecurities and fears they have about themselves, so don't take it personal.
The third step is to be honest about everything, tell it the way you believe it to be. Be honest about what you feel, be honest with yourself and your spouse. If you are not honest about who you are then you will never deal with the issue. Hiding the issue within yourself will lead to much heart ache, so just speak the truth. Do not say things to see what the other persons reaction will be. Do not try and manipulate a situation and do not tell the other person what they want to hear.
The fourth step is knowing that change is good. In a relationship we tend to fear change, embrace it. Everything and everyone is changing and evolving. You are not the same person you were five minutes ago. Release these expectations about you and your partner based on what happened yesterday because neither one of you is the same person.
The fifth step is to live in the moment. Many people spend their entire lives living in the past or living in the future. They focus on how they wish things would be, they spend so much time there that they miss the moment they are living now. Live right now, in the moment and don't allow yourself to miss a thing.
The sixth step is to appreciate the good. Too many people will focus all their energy on what they do not want. Live in the now and appreciate everything you have, cherish it. Feel the love that comes with appreciation of all the little things that you encounter throughout your day.
The seventh step is to always be genuine. You are perfect no matter what anyone tells you, remember that their idea of perfection is completely different than yours. You are absolutely perfect in every way and you do not need to compromise who you are for anyone else. So always be genuine. Just be yourself, be happy with who you are, love yourself and you will find the love you have always been looking for.
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